Where shall I live?

So I still don't know where I'm going to live and I'm still not real happy about what I will be paying once I do find a place to live in Bogota. It seems that you pay for safety not amenities or square footage. I have a hard time paying $75 a night for a room at an adoption house. I brought it up to my agency people who were looking for me and giving me the contacts they knew but I would be paying $100 to $110 per night. So one month would be roughly $3300??? Don't get me wrong they were beautiful places with maid service, and many other amenities. They were also furnished beautifully and many of the apartments boasted crisp white furnishings. Hello? I am adopting an 11 year old boy and a 15 year old girl. Granted they are not destructive but they are ACTIVE KIDS! I would be a nervous wreak that on top of the astronomical amount I would be paying I would also end up refurnishing the place. No Thanks. I would much rather have the extra money to have some fun with Angie and Camilo. In short I need the apartment fairies to visit, and fast!

Moving Right Along

I am admittedly really bad about record keeping. My family photo albums are in a box (not in an album) somewhere. I always have best of intentions and what I think are really good ideas for documenting my children's' happenings but, I get busy. Ya I'll go with that one. Well, now I really need to fill in the blanks. We are going to Colombia in a little over a month and I'm facing a lot of time to dwell on anything and everything. Now more than ever it is important to talk about, photograph and relay my out of the ordinary, average story. So with that I will blog my heart out. It's so interesting that when you least expect it things just happen. It's apparently a lesson I haven't "gotten" yet, something about patience. I also may or may not be a bit of a control freak. Here we are though, airplane tickets are bought we're looking for an AFFORDABLE place to stay in Colombia and it's happening. We are going to adopt Angie and Camilo!!! We worked so hard for this and even though at time we lost all hope we (Angie and Camilo included) hung in there. Regardless of my inclination to control it and make it happen I really didn't. It ended up a divine lining up of circumstances and who knows what else to pave the way. What is amazing is that the last few times that I had talked on the phone with Angie and Camilo it was hard to communicate. I had lost my Spanglish and they seems to be digressing with their English. Today I talked to Angie and even though she sounded so grown up we were able to communicate. She told me how happy she was we were coming...in ENGLISH. And it all clicked back into place. Please don't misunderstand that I feel the levity of this situation. I almost have a panic attack when I think of the responsibility and the importance of my own ability to not only provide the essentials but, also the backbone for them and yet that soft place to land when things don't go so well. I have to be kind but firm and yet advocate for them. It's really weird sometimes how I think of their position. Maybe it's that "are you crazy" part that I hear from people who find out we are adopting. However, I feel like Angie and Camilo have such and opportunity to know two realities. One of life in an orphanage and the icky stuff that happened to land them there. They know how to fight and survive and thrive, they come to us with that. and they have the opportunity that most never have to know that life and then to experience a very different life. It has the potential to shape them into phenomenal people. So when I start doubting and worrying about everything involved in this adoption I think of our investment in the future of Angie and Camilo and who can argue with that? I may not ever have a new car again and I may not wear the latest labels but my net gain from my investment will be better than any object I can imagine.

Goodbye 2010

I created this blog originally to document my journey. So many things were happening, I was running like crazy, awaiting the approval to adopt Angie and Camilo and contemplating a mini career change. Then the bottom fell out. I injured myself by running too much, and nothing went right with the adoption. There was disappointment after disappointment. Way too much dirt to get into. I did make the change in my career and, although it was a great move, it was stressful in different ways and... I had to go back to nights.

Life was simply chugging along and I was just keeping my head above water. I returned to running but it was difficult to train due to my crazy schedule. I did however beat my previous time at Roadrunner in the half. I had also come to the conclusion that we were not likely to be approved to adopt Angie and Camilo and all the hoops we kept jumping through were in vain. I just knew they were trying to wear us out.

Then things changed almost overnight. In early December a co-worker, who recently started working day shift, decided she would like to go back to nights so we swapped positions. I started day shift the Monday after Christmas. Less than a week after getting the news about work, I also received a call on December ninth ( we were celebrating Collin's Birthday which is on the eighth and it was Camilo's Birthday) that it looked like were were going to be approved to adopt Angie and Camilo. Things are once again going well.

I went for a run yesterday I didn't take my Garmin nor a watch. I don't know how far or how long I ran, I just did. At the end the clarity was amazing, there was no second guessing whether I could have done better, gone faster, farther. And I felt empowered and that for the first time in a long time, that happiness and my life, in general, was up to me. I really do have the reigns. I suppose that I never really lost complete faith but, man have I been down. I have spent a good portion of 2010 suppressed and withdrawn. I now know that I do not want 2011 to have the same fate, and it shouldn't. I have hung in there and waited out the uncomfortable and ugly that dominated my life for a good portion of a year. I am now ready to live, ready to just do whatever it takes to be happy living. No nonsense just pure love and laughter!

Happy New Year to you and me!!!

ANOTHER Set-back

So, this morning I checked my e-mail before work at about 1:45 AM. I received an e-mail from Jerri at Baker Victory with yet another set-back. ICBF (Colombian Child Welfare people) need some “clarification” or for us to “amplify” something that is in my (Pam’s) psychological summary. Are you kidding me???? She seems to think that this will involve another trip to the psychologist, a letter from her stating that I’m not crazy or dangerous or anything (she didn’t exactly say that but…) and then having it apostilled and then sent back down to Colombia. Of course we have to wait for Jerri to receive the actual letter stating what needs clarification. After all we have been through and now this.

We have had so many setbacks with this adoption. And just when we think that we should go through there’s another hitch. Is someone trying to tell us something or are we just supposed to work extra hard for this. First it was the social worker who wouldn’t get back to us and held everything up for MONTHS. I’m still very bitter over this and the way we were pushed aside and lied to so many times. Then things seemed to be moving and now this. I could scream!! Did I mention that some families that hosted when we did, and started their process way after us, are either in country or have completed their adoptions?? And of course it comes before a work day when I have no access to communication to clarify all of the questions I have about the “new” time line.

I was getting really worried that we wouldn’t be home by Christmas with Angie and Camilo. This wouldn’t be such a big deal except that there is a five year old and seven year old that might not take it so well if their Mother and Father was away during the Holiday’s. All of the children deserve to be with their parents for Christmas and the fact that we are even facing this is absolutely ABSURD and UNNECESSARY! But now if we move fast on this we will be guaranteed to be in Colombia during Christmas. But what if we stall??? That is hardly fair to Angie and Camilo. This sucks and it didn’t have to be this way. I’m sad, angry and still hurt that we are now in this position because OUR social worker was avoiding and putting us off. So, again, we just hang in there and see what unfolds.

Pam

The Begining

Six days ago my life changed dramatically. I had been preparing for this day for a long time and I knew it would be pretty big but I really didn’t know how big until it happened. Six days ago I ran my first race ever, a half marathon- thirteen point one miles of pure exhilaration and immense struggle in every sense of the word. And here I am days later reflecting on my experience and wanting more. And, in fact, will run C-bus in a little over two weeks on October 18th.

When I lined up just minutes before the beginning there was this feeling of completely being in the moment if that makes sense. Here I was, I belonged at that line this is what I was meant to do. I finally found IT! It’s not that I have decided that I’m going to be some kind of professional at this but, that I have found my balance. I love my husband and family and have so much enjoyment and satisfaction with them and I have a fulfilling career. However, running is about me and about what’s in my own head and with my own physical being. The positive feed back from my husband and children doesn’t hurt either.

So with this I have decided to start writing down my feelings, idea’s, training plans and (I’m sure) disappointments as I move along the continuum. And today will be a light day; a little bit of interval training on the treadmill (yuck) since it is raining pretty steady outside.