Goodbye 2010

I created this blog originally to document my journey. So many things were happening, I was running like crazy, awaiting the approval to adopt Angie and Camilo and contemplating a mini career change. Then the bottom fell out. I injured myself by running too much, and nothing went right with the adoption. There was disappointment after disappointment. Way too much dirt to get into. I did make the change in my career and, although it was a great move, it was stressful in different ways and... I had to go back to nights.

Life was simply chugging along and I was just keeping my head above water. I returned to running but it was difficult to train due to my crazy schedule. I did however beat my previous time at Roadrunner in the half. I had also come to the conclusion that we were not likely to be approved to adopt Angie and Camilo and all the hoops we kept jumping through were in vain. I just knew they were trying to wear us out.

Then things changed almost overnight. In early December a co-worker, who recently started working day shift, decided she would like to go back to nights so we swapped positions. I started day shift the Monday after Christmas. Less than a week after getting the news about work, I also received a call on December ninth ( we were celebrating Collin's Birthday which is on the eighth and it was Camilo's Birthday) that it looked like were were going to be approved to adopt Angie and Camilo. Things are once again going well.

I went for a run yesterday I didn't take my Garmin nor a watch. I don't know how far or how long I ran, I just did. At the end the clarity was amazing, there was no second guessing whether I could have done better, gone faster, farther. And I felt empowered and that for the first time in a long time, that happiness and my life, in general, was up to me. I really do have the reigns. I suppose that I never really lost complete faith but, man have I been down. I have spent a good portion of 2010 suppressed and withdrawn. I now know that I do not want 2011 to have the same fate, and it shouldn't. I have hung in there and waited out the uncomfortable and ugly that dominated my life for a good portion of a year. I am now ready to live, ready to just do whatever it takes to be happy living. No nonsense just pure love and laughter!

Happy New Year to you and me!!!

ANOTHER Set-back

So, this morning I checked my e-mail before work at about 1:45 AM. I received an e-mail from Jerri at Baker Victory with yet another set-back. ICBF (Colombian Child Welfare people) need some “clarification” or for us to “amplify” something that is in my (Pam’s) psychological summary. Are you kidding me???? She seems to think that this will involve another trip to the psychologist, a letter from her stating that I’m not crazy or dangerous or anything (she didn’t exactly say that but…) and then having it apostilled and then sent back down to Colombia. Of course we have to wait for Jerri to receive the actual letter stating what needs clarification. After all we have been through and now this.

We have had so many setbacks with this adoption. And just when we think that we should go through there’s another hitch. Is someone trying to tell us something or are we just supposed to work extra hard for this. First it was the social worker who wouldn’t get back to us and held everything up for MONTHS. I’m still very bitter over this and the way we were pushed aside and lied to so many times. Then things seemed to be moving and now this. I could scream!! Did I mention that some families that hosted when we did, and started their process way after us, are either in country or have completed their adoptions?? And of course it comes before a work day when I have no access to communication to clarify all of the questions I have about the “new” time line.

I was getting really worried that we wouldn’t be home by Christmas with Angie and Camilo. This wouldn’t be such a big deal except that there is a five year old and seven year old that might not take it so well if their Mother and Father was away during the Holiday’s. All of the children deserve to be with their parents for Christmas and the fact that we are even facing this is absolutely ABSURD and UNNECESSARY! But now if we move fast on this we will be guaranteed to be in Colombia during Christmas. But what if we stall??? That is hardly fair to Angie and Camilo. This sucks and it didn’t have to be this way. I’m sad, angry and still hurt that we are now in this position because OUR social worker was avoiding and putting us off. So, again, we just hang in there and see what unfolds.

Pam

The Begining

Six days ago my life changed dramatically. I had been preparing for this day for a long time and I knew it would be pretty big but I really didn’t know how big until it happened. Six days ago I ran my first race ever, a half marathon- thirteen point one miles of pure exhilaration and immense struggle in every sense of the word. And here I am days later reflecting on my experience and wanting more. And, in fact, will run C-bus in a little over two weeks on October 18th.

When I lined up just minutes before the beginning there was this feeling of completely being in the moment if that makes sense. Here I was, I belonged at that line this is what I was meant to do. I finally found IT! It’s not that I have decided that I’m going to be some kind of professional at this but, that I have found my balance. I love my husband and family and have so much enjoyment and satisfaction with them and I have a fulfilling career. However, running is about me and about what’s in my own head and with my own physical being. The positive feed back from my husband and children doesn’t hurt either.

So with this I have decided to start writing down my feelings, idea’s, training plans and (I’m sure) disappointments as I move along the continuum. And today will be a light day; a little bit of interval training on the treadmill (yuck) since it is raining pretty steady outside.